Chapter 19: Refraining from Slander/Backbiting (குறள் அதிகாரம் 19: புறங்கூறாமை) compiled by me.
This is article 21 on Chapter 19 dealing with the evils of slandering and how to overcome the bad habit of slandering or back-biting.
(more articles/audio/live reading record available here)
Causes
Backbiting may occur as a form of release after a confrontation. By insulting the opposing person, the backbiter diminishes them and, by doing so, restores their own self-esteem. A bond may also be established with the confidante if they are receptive to the hostile comment. Such gossip is common in human society as people seek to divert blame and establish their place in the dominance hierarchy. But the backbiting may be perceived as a form of delinquent behaviour due to an inferiority complex.
The essence of chapter verses
Couplets 181 to 185 talk about the evils of back-biting. To stress the importance of realizing the need to stop back-biting, the Sage says that no matter how many good virtues one may possess, the one bad quality of back-biting will nullify it all. To speak of another in their absence is bad enough; it is even worse to be hypocritical by appearing friendly in their presence and speaking ill of them in their absence.
Couplet 181:
Though one does not even speak of virtue and live in sin, it will be well if it be said of him "he does not slander".
Couplet 182:
To smile deceitfully (in another's presence) after having reviled him to his destruction (behind his back) is a greater evil than the commission of (every other) sin and the destruction of (every) virtue.
Couplet 183:
It is better to die than to live by backbiting and then being hypocritical; so dying, may yield the benefits spoken of by moral scriptures.
Couplet 184:
It is passable to speak impolitely to someone face to face, but never utter an imprudent word behind the back.
Couplet 185:
Though every word is full of kindly virtue, A man's mean back-biting will betray his empty heart.
Couplets 186 to 189 warn how one would lose their close friends and relatives because of the habit of slandering and thus isolate the slanderer.
Couplet 186:
If a man spreads tales of others' faults, His own worst faults will be exposed and spread.
Couplet 187:
Those who know not to live in friendship with amusing conversation will by back-biting estrange even their relatives.
Couplet 188:
If men are disposed to spread the faults of friends, What deadly harm might they do to strangers?
In couplet 189 the weaver-sage shows his feelings against slanderers by wondering how come Mother Earth is still supporting such people and satisfies himself that it is because of the extreme forbearing quality as Her Dharma that Mother Earth is supporting such!
Couplet 189:
The earth tolerates the presence of a slanderer on it apparently because of its commitment to the virtue of patience.
The closing couplet Tiruvalluvar gives one very effective way of learning to avoid slandering. If one develops the habit of looking at one’s self and realize how many bad qualities and evil actions that oneself possesses just as easily as they find it in others, then the urge to slander will go away. This together with the couplet 186 (which makes one realize that the more they slander others, the more of their own faults will be spoken of) form an effective tool to remove the habit of slandering from oneself.
Couplet 190:
If men perceived their own faults as they do the faults of others, Could misfortune ever come to mankind?
Religious views
In most major religions, backbiting is considered a sin. Leaders of the Baháʼí Faith condemned it as the worst of sins as it destroyed the 'life of the soul' and provoked divine wrath. In Buddhism, backbiting goes against the ideal of right speech. Saint Thomas Acquinas classified it as a venial sin, being commonly found in all mankind, but considered it to be the gravest sin that one could commit against one's neighbour. Islam considers it to be a major sin. Additionally, it is not permissible for one to keep quiet and listen to backbiting. In Judaism, backbiting is known as hotzaat shem ra (spreading a bad name) and is considered a severe sin.
Four-steps-for-ending-team-back-biting
1) Gather your group together and ask them the question: “Do you believe backbiting happens here?” This is an important first step. There’s no chance of behavioural change if people are in denial about the problem.
2) Define backbiting. Rolfsen employed what he called the Socratic Triple Filter Test, asking the group:
“Do you know if what you’re going to tell me is true?”
“Is it anything good you’re going to tell me about my friend?”
“Is it useful?”
If a statement is untrue or ambiguous, does nothing good and is not useful, it’s probably back biting.
3) Ask the question, “Would you like to work in a team where there is no backbiting?”
4) Once you have buy-in, the final step is to challenge your team to an ambitious project: Starting from the new year, there will be no backbiting for 6 months! Write “Gossip2019” on a clipboard and have everyone sign it. Then, every week, you ask people, “How are we doing on Gossip 2019?”
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The Difference between Gossiping and Back-biting
Many people cannot control themselves from carrying tales from one place to another. If they hear something scandalous at one location, they promptly go to another location and spread the tale of the scandal after adding their own flourish and imaginary details. People do not always gossip with an evil intention. It is just a bad habit that people indulge in without much thought.
A particular form of gossiping is ‘back-biting’ in which we say only bad things about a second person or a situation to a third person and with the evil intention of defaming, ridiculing or bringing him down. An example is telling about a classmate of yours to the teacher with the intention of getting him scolded. Eventually, gossip and back-biting catch up with the person who indulges in it, with the result that it is he and not the person he spoke about, who gets a bad reputation. People try to be careful of a gossiper and a back-biter and he is kept at a distance in all the important discussions. These bad habits just create a lot of conflict and misunderstandings and are therefore very bad Karma according to our scriptures.
Gossipers, violators of noble traditions of one’s family and Dharma, parasites who live off other people’s money and those who lack gratitude towards friends who have helped them – all of these definitely go to hell. [Mahābhārata 13.23.66]
How can we overcome the habit of Gossiping and Back-Biting
Try to discuss ideas or discuss yourself and not the third person.
If you bear a grudge against someone, do not gossip about him. Instead, go to him directly and get all your disputes or misunderstandings cleared first hand.
Put yourself in the place of others and ask yourself if you would feel happy were a third person to gossip about you.
Finally, learn to talk less and do not indulge in useless or long conversations. A very talkative person frequently gets carried away and unintentionally says things that he had not planned to. All this unplanned talk constitutes gossip and can lead to negative consequences.
By cultivating Discreteness: We should honor privacy of other person’s confidential information and handle delicate situations with sensitivity and diplomacy. For example, if we know that our friend uses drugs, we must not go and broadcast it to the entire world. Rather, it is better to speak to him personally and ask him to overcome his addiction or talk to his parents so that they can help him.
Bheeshma said – Only fake people criticize others or say bad things about them behind their backs. Genuine and truth persons always criticize others in front of saints. [Mahābhārata 12.132.13]
Notable examples:
In the Book of Numbers, the elder siblings of Moses – Miriam and Aaron – talk against him together. God is angered and punishes Miriam with leprosy.
Gordon Brown (a former Prime Minister of UK) notoriously accused Gillian Duffy of being a "sort of bigoted woman" after conversing with her pleasantly during his 2010 election campaign. This remark was made to his staff as he was driving away but was picked up by a live microphone. This incident caused him great embarrassment and he returned to apologise, declaring that he was a "penitent sinner".
In the Hindu epic Mahabharata an incident of how Sri Krishna was subject to slander and how he addressed it. In Dwaraka, Shatrajit was blessed with the gift of Shyamantak gem. Lord Krishna suggested to Shatrajit that he should share the benefits of Shyamantak with all in Dwaraka. Shatrajit did not want to do that as he felt it was given to him for enjoyment. Some time later Shatrajit’s brother Prasena wore the jewel and went hunting. Due to some mishap, Prasena died in the forest. As he did not return, Shatrajit felt and started spreading the rumor that Krishna killed Prasena and took hold of Shyamantaka. So Kriahna set out to clear himself of this slander and found the gem in a bear’s cave and brought it back to Shatrajit. (full story here)
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